


A Lannister on the Bannister and a Wench on the Bench

by TeamGwenee



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Christmas fic, Crack, Elf on the Shelf Bashing, F/M, so much crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-13
Updated: 2017-12-13
Packaged: 2019-02-14 10:27:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13005816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeamGwenee/pseuds/TeamGwenee
Summary: Forget about the White Walkers, with winter comes a new menace.





	A Lannister on the Bannister and a Wench on the Bench

**Author's Note:**

> INspired by the Jimmy Kimmel clip "Lannister on the Bannister" and by discussion on the JBO board.

“I knew a little boy who liked to climb,” Jaime informed his young charge, running a finger along his blade, “Quite a little monkey he was. His mother told him not to, just like yours,” Jaime narrowed his eyes, “Then one day he climbed too high. He was so high up, he could sing with the birds and touch the clouds. Until he found himself plummeting to the ground and his world going black. When he woke up, his legs were crippled,” Jaime smirked and chuckled, “We say that he fell. Now then,” he extended his candy cane and pressed its sharpened edge against the little boy's throat, “Are you going to climb up the bookcase again?”

Clammy, and with just a little bit of pee dribbling down his leg, Johnny Tyler shook his head and scarpered off. Jaime watched in satisfaction, his smile only growing at the familiar tut of disapproval.

“Jaime, you have got to _stop_ threatening to break Johnny's legs whenever he misbehaves!” Brienne cried up to Jaime from her bench.

“I wasn't threatening anyone,” Jaime said innocently, “All I was doing was telling him a little story,”

“A little story about the time you pushed a boy from a tower,” Brienne snarked.

“And did he ever climb again?”

“No. You _broke_ his legs!”

“Well then,” Jaime nodded pointedly, “There you go,”

Brienne huffed and crossed her legs, looking adorably ridiculous in her elf's costume. Her pointed hat tilted forward and she thrust it back in place impatiently, only for it to fall forwards once more. Bells on shoes jingling, Jaime slid down the bannister and hopped onto the bench beside Brienne. He reached out and placed the hat back into place.

“Oh lighten up,” he chided her gently, “Look, next time I will just threaten to cut one of his toes off,”

“Jaime-” she began, only for him to cut her off.

“I'll even start with the small ones, that way I could work my way up,” he explained.

“Believe it or nor, it's not you I'm worried about,” Brienne snapped.

“What!” Jaime cried in horror, “You mean to say you're not thinking of me?”

Brienne lifted up her candy cake and began sharpening its pointed end. “No, for once, it's not. I'm worried that there may be more of _them_ out there. We have to be prepared,”

Jaime shuddered, gripping the hilt of his candy cane. He followed Brienne's gaze as she scanned the room, looking for a sign of the evil creatures that had come to plague their lives. Those vile demons, with their malevolent stares and malicious grins.

“They will be here soon,” Brienne muttered darkly, “I can feel it,”

“And when they come we shall be ready,” Jaime assured her, “Those fucking elves don't stand a chance. Never again shall they leave a blight on this house's shelves,”

“Don't be so certain,” Brienne rebuked him, “They're resistant, never giving up. You and I both know they will not be content until they have taken over shelf in every room in every house. And then we will be entirely at the mercy of their demonic desires,”

“It will not come to that!” Jaime grabbed Brienne's hands urgently, “We will rip those elves limb from limb,”

“Boil them with their own pudding,”

“And bury them with a with a stake of holly,” Jaime concluded, “And I for one shall enjoy every moment,” he gave her hands a reassuring squeeze, “Remember, we have a Stark in every park, a Lannister on every bannister, and a Wench on every bench,”

“And a Tormund in every toilet,” Brienne added.

Jaime grinned, “Thank the Seven for alliteration,”

“You may thank the Seven,” Brienne sneered, “But you're not the one who does double duty as a Tarth in the bath,”

Jaime's face darkened, before lighting up, “I can, if you like?”

“But..but you name doesn't rhyme or begin with the same letter,” Brienne pointed out.

Jaime leaned forward and whispered into Brienne's ear, “That could change,”

Brienne reared back, looking at Jaime with wide eyes, “What do you mean?”

“I think Jaime of Tarth sounds rather good, don't you?” he asked huskily.

Brienne blinked, “Jaime...” she began doubtfully.

“Look Brienne, mistletoe,” Jaime pointed to the ceiling above their head.

Brienne looked up obligingly, only for her face to turn white and frightened.

“Jaime,” she hissed, grabbing her sharpened candy cane, “There's an elf in the mistletoe!”

Jaime spun round and drew his candy cane. He heroically moved to stand before Brienne, only for Brienne to attempt to do the same, knocking each other onto their behinds. Once they had recovered, the elf had vanished. They looked desperately around, back to back and lethal Christmas foods drawn.

Brienne took a slight step forward to get a better look at the bookshelf. As she did so, the dreaded elf silently slithered between the pair. Brienne froze as she felt its maniacal eyes boring into her back. She turned, coming face to face with the elf's demented smile.

“Jaime watch out!” Brienne shrieked, raising her candy can and plunging it into his chest. Jaime instantly turned on his heels and dug his own cane into the elf's plastic head.

The elf let out a blood curdling shriek, flames burning in his eyes as he shook violently, arms and legs twitching and flinging wildly. Jaime lunged for Brienne and gripped her tight in his arms, shielding her from the elf's death throes. It's face turned red then black, as though lit from inside with a fire.

Finally, it lay still. Charred and smoking, the plastic of its face had melted into a pink gloop.

Jaime's arms still tightly wound around Brienne's waist, Brienne prodded the elf's dead body with her candy cane. It remained lifeless, nevertheless Brienne was reluctant to take her eyes off it. It was only after repeated kicking and poking that their heart's stilled and they let out a sigh of relief.

“See,” Jaime told Brienne proudly, “The elves don't have a chance against us,”

“It was just a scout,” Brienne said, “There will be more,”

“Not tonight there won't,” Jaime insisted, “Come on. That is an elf on the shelf down, I suggest we tackle a Tormund in the Toilet next,”

 


End file.
